A new Great Seal for the United States

We need a new Seal free of the corruption of cis-hetero patriarchal homophobic misogynist slave owners, whiteness, systemic racism and other evils!

The old Great Seal of the United States represents a Constitutional Republic designed by cis-hetero patriarchal homophobic misogynist slave owners. Obviously, it has to go! It’s time we threw out the old Seal and adopted one that more accurately represents America as it exists today. To that end, I’ve designed a new Seal shows the great progress we’ve made in fundamentally transforming this nation.

I began with a background of red with gold stars, to show our solidarity with the revolutionary comrades of progressive thought around the world. Also, since the Chinese Communist Party has spent so much time, effort and money infiltrating our institutions and buying our elites, they deserve to be recognized for it.

The eagle I retained, but I anticipate that as soon as we build enough windmills to fully protect our planet from climate change, all raptors will become extinct. Yes, our xiblings in the environmental movement may protest this necessary slaughter of these noble animals, but a brief period of reeducation should remind them that NOTHING is more important than stopping climate change! If a few birds, or a few billion people have to be sacrificed, so be it!

In the eagle’s talons, I have kept the lightening bolt of retribution which our nation uses to smite its enemies. Of course, we all know that the true enemies of our democracy are those Ultra MAGA Republicans who, despite our media’s best efforts to convince them otherwise, continue to believe in such radical counterrevolutionary ideas as election fraud in 2020 and 2022, the right to keep and bear arms, the ineffectiveness of masks, the ineffectiveness, nay harmful nature of the COVID vaccines, that there are merely two genders, and that the Constitution has primacy over the wisdom of our progressive leaders and judges. Foolish, I know, but many of them did vote for Trump, so what can we expect of them? They are all deserving of the SWATting, IRS auditing, no-knock raiding and every other punishment the brave Agents of our government can inflict upon them. Punishing those who dared stage the January 6th insurrection—clearly, the worst attack on our nation in its entire history—was not enough. The thunderbolt serves to remind us that there are still Trump supporters who must be made to pay for their fascist ideas!

The eagle’s opposite claws no longer contain arrows—which some have regarded as equivalent to guns and therefore had to be controlled by removing them from people’s hands—with Federal Reserve notes, which are the true power in our nation today. Even when we are mandated to adopt the coming central bank currency, these can be retained as a symbol of the ability to influence our oligarchs to reach the right decisions, support the right causes and enact the right laws to continue our march towards perfect democratic socialism.

Old dead-language slogans which perpetuated white privilege have been replaced with more appropriate warnings that our benevolent government is not only monitoring us 24/7/365 to protect us from terrorists—especially radical domestic terrorists who want to prevent our schools from preparing children for the non-binary gender-fluid progressive state we are creating, but also a strong admonition to follow all mandates and instructions from our leaders. After all, these mandates are there for our protection, happiness and safety. For any person to ignore them threatens not only that person but every single one of us!

The all-seeing eye of the New World Order, subtly haloed by the colors of the full spectrum, reinforces our dedicated alphabet agencies’ ability to surveil us on every platform, across every device and medium and in every location to keep us safe. We can be certain that dangerous ideas that deviate from the Narrative are quickly detected and eliminated before they can threaten our leaders’ glorious plans for our nation.

The Stars and Stripes of the central shield, one of the foremost symbols of systemic racism and whiteness, has been replaced by the only two flags that matter to real Americans—Ukraine and transgender pride. I’m certain that all of you will be as happy as I am to embrace this change.

Taking pride of place in the center of the shield is the Circle of Sustainability, showing our solidarity with the ideals of the Great Reset so wisely introduced by our comrades and xiblings at the World Economic Forum. We should all be grateful to them for boldly taking the lead in shaping us for the bright new future they are creating for us!

And the bananas? In place of the ancient laurel leaves with their hurtful association to toxic masculinity and martial success, I have used two noble, sustainably grown and harvested bananas. These Bananas symbolize exactly the kind of Republic we have in America today. That they appear overripe, rotting and corrupt only reflects the lack of understanding of those who see them as such, and not those of us who rightly see them as a natural, organic product of our progressive successes.

Granted, this Seal is only a preliminary effort. I would never presume to insist that the right to make the final decisions about a new design is mine alone. I’m certain that with a few dozen focus groups and input from all appropriate stakeholders this design can be adapted to satisfy everyone without any possible triggering or hurtful associations at all.

Until then, we can only keep pressing forward, wave our Progress flags proudly, and work towards re-electing President Biden to “finish the job”, the fundamental transformation of America, in 2024!

Like this? Then share and subscribe! This Substack is free, because I despise paywalls. You can also follow @DocContrarian on Twitter, GETTR, Gab and (once again) Truth Social. If you want to support me, help spread the word about my book Beyond MAGA. Get it, review it, and tell your friends. You might even enjoy reading it, but that’s up to you.